Other than the ongoing fashion catastrophe that is the weather, I had an appointment with an endocrinologist today and my dad goes insane if I wear clothing that is far too ‘over dressed’ for serious occasions, like, going to medical appointments. Perhaps I should ‘man up’ and face the music (my dad) but, whatever, I ceebs with that today. Sometimes the thought of listening to the exact same complaint I’ve heard since the age of fifteen makes me want to wear jeans, ballet flats and a v-neck, t-shirt. Don’t worry, that’s not going to happen though. I’d feel like a freakazoid.

Oh, good news friends! I was told that my thyroid levels are perfect, ooh how very exciting! However, I still have to be on medication for at least twelve months. S’all good though, I mean, popping pills is what cool people do, and seeing as I’m a nerdy, goody two shoes, I would like to take every opportunity to be part of the cool gang

You know, this is one of the oldest and longest dresses I have. It’s stuck with me since 2008 and has been worn so many times. It’s the most expensive dress I own, it was heavily discounted to $120. Paying more does have its benefits sometimes, I’ve worn this dress more than any other in my wardrobe, yet it doesn’t seem worn out, at all. I’m not sure why I haven’t decided to move on, I seem to tire of my clothes quite quickly so I wonder what’s different about this dress. Hmm.

I was at my boyfriend’s place before being all moody and pathetic, moping around and feeling sorry for myself. Eating cookies, crying, wanting to shove copious amounts of food in my mouth. I was depressed that my magazine idea I’ve had for such a long time failed and was just compared to Rookie, before it even began. I was sad that I haven’t really achieved anything in my twenty-one years of life despite thinking of myself as a pretty determined and ambitious person. I was also quite upset about something that always seems to get to me when I’m PMS-ing, even though I know it’s a stupid and pathetic complaint.

I just always feel so ugly. When I was younger, I was called ugly multiple times by guys and no one ever had a crush on me. No one has ever lusted over me and I’ve never been ‘chased’ by a guy. I had to do all the work to be with my boyfriend, which really bugs me sometimes. I’m not sure why. Ugh, what a freaking lame thing to even think about. I should be grateful that I’m healthy (well, kind of) and able to do most things. Ugh, us girls, we literally run on a cycle. Well, I definitely do. I mean, I’m so irritable and irrational right now, all because there are some hormone levels altering in my body. Our state of mind can change so much from a few chemical reactions.

In 2010 when I was about to go to the U.S and leave my boyfriend for 6.5 months, I was PMS-ing, yet again. The Notebook happened to be on television, a week before I was going to depart. That was the first and only time I’ve watched it. I, honestly, cried for the entire movie and it wasn’t even that good! My brother also happened to be in the room at the time, so I had to stop myself from making any sound. I was sitting there, balling my eyes out, I became a silent human waterfall.

Currently, I feel very on edge, I’m going to go before I begin to rant about something entirely pointless.

A few days ago, I had a panic attack for the first time, ever. I’ve had prolonged instances of anxiety, quite a few times now, especially last year, if anyone recalls. Not any actual panic attacks though. That changed, like I said, a few days ago. This was a serious, real, frightening attack, as described on wikipedia. It was horrific. I literally felt like I was going crazy/about to die. At the peak of the attack, I was laying on the floor, helpless, screaming and crying. I was transforming into an insanely terrified version of myself. Thankfully these attacks only last for about ten minutes, any longer and I don’t know what would happen.

I should stop thinking about it, before I drive myself into another one. Having an overactive thyroid really sucks in that sense. Oh well, at least I’m seeing the specialist again this Wednesday. In better news, I have finally secured an internet connection at my house hold. SCORE! So, GUESS WHAT? I’m going to introduce my magazine idea/proposal tomorrow!!! Ah, I’m really freaking nervous to see what you all think. If no one is willing to help, I don’t think I’ll be able to pull it off, so hopefully I can impress the people who happen to lurk this blog. I’ve also planned to list a shit load of stuff on e-bay this Thursday night. Initially, I was planning this Sunday that just passed, however, I decided to add a few more things and I want to get them all listed on the same day. So wish me luck, I’m going to be uploading for hours.

I’m wearing the second Zana Bayne harness that I ordered, it’s the basic harness. Ah, it’s great having these, they add so much to an otherwise boring outfit.

Other than making daily life a pain, the humidity also seems to turn my skin into a train wreck. So many clogged pores, ew. Does anyone else experience this problem? I think the only positive thing is the fact that I justified the purchase of a white chocolate magnum. Oh man, so good. On second thought, I wonder if that is actually a good thing. I mean, nineteen grams of fat, eight of which are saturated. That’s not exactly… desirable. Ugh, If only junk food was actually healthy, I would be the healthiest of them all! Noticing and realising the actual fat contents of food, makes me want to shove carrot sticks in my mouth. I actually did that before (well, not the shoving part), my boyfriend gave me some hummus to assist with the dull taste of carrots (actually, I don’t think they’re that bad) and I suddenly became aware of something, previously unknown to me. I don’t like hummus. Strangely enough, it tastes like… nothing, with a hint of vomit. Lovely, I know.

I learnt (via more than enough fashion websites) that wearing hot pink and black together is a no-no. Apparently it looks dated. Man, whatever. I don’t care, watch me wear this ‘dated’ style. I had loads of stares today, again. NEWS FLASH, it’s not ok to stare at women like they’re objects, no matter what they happen to be wearing, fuck sticks. Can a fellow human being get some respect?! Geez.

I was working on the coolest gif for DARK VICE, ever, when photoshop decided to start malfunctioning. I was way too ceebs to begin the process all over again. Sorry. I’ll make it again some other time. Here is an image of the Unif Hellbounds, in a magnificent shade of pink instead*. Oh yeah, I’ll be wearing these gems with black clothing too. Suck it, fashion police!

*Image found on tumblr.

That was pretty off topic to where I’m going, I apologise. There is only one fashion era from the past that I have any attachment to. Yeah, that’s right, this blogger doesn’t really give a shit about the 90s revival. Yes, I was born in 1990 and my entire childhood was the 90s but for some reason, I don’t feel any  sense of nostalgia about it. Probably because my childhood was freaking shit. When I was a child, I didn’t care about the present and I didn’t think about the past, I was completely enchanted by thoughts of the future. I would day dream about a magnificent future, where I didn’t cry every single day, instead, I drove around in a flying car in the darkness with neon lights everywhere. As I got older and become interested in style, there was one decade of the past that stuck out to me.

The sixties, mostly because of miniskirts. Did you know that the term ‘mini’ was named after the car? How funny, that’s basically the only car I like! I’ve always been a shorty. In all my school class photos, I’m always seated at the front, with the short people. Every single time we lined up in order of tallest to shortest, I was always at the end. These days, I’ve grown to a staggering 5’0. Yes, I know, who ever thought I would have vertically expanded to such a height? During my teens, I always felt so short and vulnerable. It didn’t help that my brother would often call me stumpy. The skirts that were part of my school uniform, were naturally a maxi length. Everybody had their skirts shortened. To a few inches below their hips. My yiayia (grandmother) shortened mine and would only go as short as, just above my knees. Suffice to say, I felt like a fool.

A few years later, when I had my first casual job, at sixteen, I went clothes shopping by myself, for the first time. Fashion was having a sixties mod revival at the time and I completely fell in love with all the classy looking mini skirts and dresses. Finally, my legs looked longer and I didn’t seem to be drowning in my dresses. Following the same trend of the sixties, to compensate for the extremely short lengths, I invested in a lot of tights. I was the tights queen man. At one point, I even wanted to have my own tights/sock shop when I was older.

Actually, I still really like tights and socks. I have two separate drawers dedicated to them in my room. So, that’s my favourite decade of the past, in terms of style, folks. I love the length of the clothes, the swing coats, the peter pan collars, the hair, the make up! I just like a lot of things from the sixties. The style of shoes is probably one of the only things I’m not a huge fan of. A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a jackpot of images from the sixties, (I don’t remember the source, so if you do, please let me know!) and decided to share some with you.

I decided to dress with a sixties influence and Edie Sedgwick style make up. Wearing my new Zana Bayne harness as a necklace… ah, the options.

I edited my lips and made them red here, I just wanted to see how red lips would look with this eye make up.

Surprisingly, this outfit was chosen by my boyfriend. My wisdom tooth extraction site began to bleed like crazy at midnight, I was literally pulling out big clots of blood from my mouth, (sorry if that’s tmi) and I didn’t get to sleep until 3.30am, after a big day, so I was bloody knackered this morning. I don’t know what’s up with my slightly bogan wording today. Maybe it’s the painkillers.

Seeing as I was so tired, I begged my boyfriend to choose my outfit instead, so I could just lay there. He did pretty well, I changed the order of the layers, added the harness and I liked what I saw. Sometimes I wish I could wear outfits this good for the duration of the entire week.

Before I forget…

OMFG I FINALLY GOT ZANA BAYNE HARNESSES, WEEEEEEEEEW

I’ve wanted one (all of them) since I saw the first collection. Took me long enough to actually get some. I decided to save up separately for them during my short stint at Hugo Boss and then it was a matter of making the hard decision. I was always going to get the oxford harness, but I had to choose between the basic harness and one of the patent harnesses, I don’t remember the name and her shop is under maintenance at the moment. After seeing these babies, I’ll definitely be saving up to get the other harness I couldn’t manage to purchase this time around.

I could probably wear this oxford harness in every single outfit I have. Really. Does anyone else who have her harnesses struggle to not wear them with everything?

I don’t like it, probably for similar reasons that other people don’t like it. It’s so commercial and just… shit. Now you can say, oh sure, it’s a little commercial these days but, what about the romance? But come on, if you’re that in love, don’t you find it (v-day) slightly (understatement, EXTREMELY) cliche and not that romantic at all?

I mean, what the hell is romantic about someone buying you red roses or a tacky hallmark card or heart shaped chocolates? etc. Most people (mostly guys) purchase these things for their significant other because they have basically been brainwashed to, they’ve been told that these things are romantic, these things will make your partner appreciate you more. These completely pointless gifts are so generic and involve little to no thought. I don’t see how buying into it, is romantic at all. I’d find it far more romantic if my boyfriend organised something ‘romantic’ for us to do on any other day, (when it won’t cost triple the price and be a lot more spontaneous/exciting) purely because he wanted to, not because he felt pressured by a stupid money making scheme.

I also don’t enjoy Valentine’s day because a lot of people think that it’s the one day where it is absolutely ok to publicly display their affection. I mean, I don’t mind seeing people hold hands, or kiss… occasionally, but full on make-out sessions? Please people, keep it at home and have some damn respect for the people around you. When I eat, I don’t really like to watch a couple have a tongue battle, and yes, sometimes, there is nowhere else to sit. The city is a busy place!

Ugh.

I’m going to move on to the Wisdom teeth removal now. I had it done at the dentist, in the chair, as people say. I didn’t feel any pain at all, not even when the needles to make my mouth numb were going in. When the dentist was taking the teeth out, I felt pressure, but no pain. The thing that freaked me out the most, was the effects of the medication that numbed my mouth. It caused heart palpitations and my whole body (mostly legs) was shaking. At the end of the procedure, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and became kind of claustrophobic, so that part was fairly frightening. My cheek isn’t puffed up anymore and I can talk properly now. I haven’t had any pain killers for about seven hours and, currently, I’m not experiencing any pain, which is good. Hopefully this continues tomorrow.

I tried to do the beehive style with my hair, it turned out… ok, unfortunately I don’t have any pictures of the end result, because just as I finished, I went to hospital. It was the day of the freak out. I think I’m going to attempt it again in a day or two, I’ll take photos then.

I had an interview for a volunteer position yesterday, I applied to help out at L’oreal’s Melbourne Fashion week, so I tried to go for a simpler look. I still looked like the most ‘alternative’ person in the room. Sigh, hopefully that didn’t go against me. This velvet skirt is sooo comfortable but as I walked, it kept going up my not so small thighs. So sadly, it’s off to the e-bay sell pile. Which has been growing for six months. As soon as I get the internet, (I’m seriously hoping in a day or two now) I’m listing everything! I’m going to sell my lita spikes too, they are nice… but I just don’t wear them enough. Oh, I start most of my bids at 99 cents. If anyone is interested… let me know, so that I may share the links when I upload.

Pretty low key outfit today, well… the dentist liked my outfit! haha.

So I haven’t seen anything from NYFW that has really excited me so far. I decided to share a few things I thought looked interesting though.

First up, we’ve got Marc Jacobs. Not really my style, well, I could possibly imagine myself in a few pieces… maybe. I like the glitter looking fabric thing going on. Is it just me, or did anyone else think of Dr. Seuss once looking through this collection?

I’m not exactly a fan of grey, but I think this collection by Thom Browne looks fascinating.

I was at home two days ago, after I’d come back from the city, thinking about who could take my outfit photo. Usually my boyfriend takes the photos for me, sometimes (rarely… if I beg her) my sister does. At that point, my boyfriend and sister were at work and there was no way I was going to ask my dad or brother, they would probably laugh at me. Plus, I don’t think they’re that great with my camera.

I decided that this blog was good enough excuse for me to finally (I’ve had my camera for a little over three years now) learn how to use the self-timer function. I’m not that comfortable in front of the camera, in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t have that natural ability (or desire) to pose, like a lot of girls. I’m glad I have this blog though, I’m glad I have a reason to force myself to take or have photos taken of myself. As awkward as I may find it sometimes.

When I was a baby and throughout my childhood my parents took soo many photographs of myself and my siblings. Hundreds and hundreds of photographs and hours upon hours of video footage. I’m so grateful that they did, because, I don’t know about you, but I love watching my four year old self on video and looking at photographs when I was a child. I find it fascinating, because, you’re watching another person… but you know, that small person, is technically you. I was a completely different person 15 years ago and I enjoy watching how I’ve transformed and looking at the person I used to be.

I’m sure I’ll be a completely different person again in twenty years and I want to have evidence of who I am now. I want to be able to look back and see how I have transformed. I’m not sure why, but I find it very intriguing.

I don’t really like the way I styled this outfit, but I decided to post it anyway. I do think it has potential so I’m going to wear it again, maybe in a few weeks, and try to make it look better. Nothing wrong with some trial and error. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has these questionable outfit days.

These are the little prizes I won from playing arcade games earlier on in the week.

Seeing as I was typing about this transformation of people that I find interesting. I decided to share some (actually quite a few) photos from the past. Some are really old, some… not so old.

The photo on the bottom is the day my sister was born, my brother and I were there to visit.

The photo on the left is my first day of primary school and my brother’s first day of kinder.

Taken in 2009, during the first year of Uni.

Photos from the first semester of second year at Uni, 2010. The photograph of me wearing the pink wig was taken by my friend for one of the projects we had to complete. My boyfriend thinks I look like a political dictator in this photo for some reason… what the shit? I don’t see it, I think I look like a puffy muffin. 

At summer camp in upstate New York, August, 2010.

NYC!! Ah, good times.. July, 2010.

Eaton Centre, Toronto, Canada.

Trying on an awesome hat in Toronto. I didn’t buy it, I don’t think it was big enough for my huge head haha. Blowing bubble gum in Niagara Falls. Last photo is one of my first days in my dorm at SUNY, Buffalo. September 2010.

Class days at SUNY, Buffalo… probably October, 2010.

Halloween, 2010.

My last day at SUNY, Buffalo, December 2010.

Photos from last year (2011)

Ah, I miss my pink fringe.

I was thinking about my old thoughts yesterday and remembered a few things during the time I had my previous beliefs. I can’t even count how many times people were shocked to find out that I didn’t want to be a mother one day. I’m relatively freaked out, at how much people, in general, just expect everyone to have babies at some point in their life. When I was younger and I was asked why I didn’t want to have children, I once responded explaining that I didn’t wish to spend so much time and effort on another person, I didn’t want to dedicate an entire lifetime of being heavily depended on. Most of the time the person listening would be utterly stunned and appalled, most of the time, I’d be deemed selfish in response.

I wasn’t sure how not choosing to have a baby was selfish in any way, for whatever reason. I didn’t understand why I even needed a reason for not wanting to bear children. I was confused, in fact, I still am. Why is the decision not to become a parent one day, so odd to people?

Presently, the planet has a great deal of humans living on it, to the point that we’re sucking out its natural, err, juices (oil) for resources, and that can’t exactly be a good thing. What happens to a fruit if you manage to suck out all the liquid?

People are living much longer. Medical technology is constantly evolving and progressing, so it’s not like an urgent need to procreate the human species like crazy exists. I also find it disturbing when people (like my mother) frown upon those who adopt, despite having the ability to reproduce. There are countless, innocent, children… dying, in various parts of the world. These children already exist, through no fault of their own. In a way, doesn’t it make sense to save these poor children before deciding to have more? I personally admire people who choose to adopt children who are basically in need of rescuing.

I also find it quite rude that upon hearing an individual’s very personal choice, another person may decide that it’s completely ok to begin telling them why they’re sooo, very wrong. Why the hell is it such a big deal that we all get married and pop out babies anyway?

I remember I was watching a show on T.V once, and someone on the panel was discussing how giving birth is the most beautiful miracle that exists blah blah blah. You know, the usual corny shit you hear about having children. Another woman on the panel (she is a mother) told the audience that, this belief, is complete bullshit. Her reason? People give birth every second, of every single day. There are more than seven billion of us on this struggling planet. Giving birth isn’t exactly that amazing.

I realise that as humans we have evolved and developed consciousness and the ability to have profound thoughts, complex relationships etc. So, having a baby is, of course, quite significant for each individual who decides to do so. But, in the larger scheme, it’s really not that incredible. As a species, we are pretty much programmed to procreate and keep our species going, for as long as possible, that’s what living organisms do… well, most of them.

This is why I’m slightly confused at why some people think deciding not to have children is such a huge deal. I think it’s sad when individuals, who have chosen not to go down that path, feel pressured from their parents and other people they know to have children anyway. As I stated before, in comparison to the ‘big picture’, reproducing is not a huge deal, but in terms of our little bubbles. It’s a major decision for each of us, and whether a certain person wants to, or doesn’t want to become a parent should only be for him or her to decide.

Sorry about my random rants/posts. I have a lot of thoughts piling up in my head all the time and I’m glad that I finally have an outlet for them, where they won’t get stored and take up space on my computer.

I decided to wear this light pink lace top again, the outfit I wore with the shiny hot pink dress made it look puh-retty lame. I tried to make it look better. I think it worked. =/

So, we decided to do something to err, honour, the last 365 days of real life contact haha. Talking on msn and facebook for six months became so frustrating at the end. We never skyped because we both felt kind of awkward for some reason. If anyone has ever gone through long distance relationships, I’m sure you’ll know what I mean, well, other than the skype part.

In true nerdy style, (my boyfriend and I are… kind of, losers, not that being a nerd is bad) we went to galactic circus and played arcade games, trying to win as many tickets as possible. I actually managed to take home some pretty sweet prizes, tiny, but rather cute. I’ll show you in a few days. Forgot to take photographs of them for this post.

We also shared a slice of cookies and cream cake, which was nice but made us both feel quite sick. In other, completely unrelated news. Still waiting for the damn internet. Telstra is slow as hell, no wonder their profits for the year weren’t as high as they hoped, pssh. I want it to come damn it, I’m sick of holding off on discussion of my magazine. I keep coming up with ideas and getting excited and them remembering that I can’t mention it yet. Vicious cycle I tell you!