V I C E
February 12th, 2012

TRANSFORMATION

Ah le sigh, I just got back from the Hospital. I was having very sharp and quite painful chest pains and of course with my history and being a total hypochondriac… I completely freaked out. My freak outs, come on very suddenly and quickly. As soon as I start panicking, my heart starts beating extremely rapidly, to the point that it concerns the doctors, I start sweating everywhere and my temperature goes up. Anyway, I was there for about five hours, and I’m going to stop typing about it now… because even thinking about the whole thing is probably going to set me off again. I was told, that I’m ok, apparently I should bring up my heart rate and pain to my endocrinologist next week. Sigh, being afraid of your mortality so often is so annoying. My boyfriend and I were going to do so much today, instead, we spent five hours in the emergency department. Ok, I’ll move on to the original draft now…

I was at home two days ago, after I’d come back from the city, thinking about who could take my outfit photo. Usually my boyfriend takes the photos for me, sometimes (rarely… if I beg her) my sister does. At that point, my boyfriend and sister were at work and there was no way I was going to ask my dad or brother, they would probably laugh at me. Plus, I don’t think they’re that great with my camera.

I decided that this blog was good enough excuse for me to finally (I’ve had my camera for a little over three years now) learn how to use the self-timer function. I’m not that comfortable in front of the camera, in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t have that natural ability (or desire) to pose, like a lot of girls. I’m glad I have this blog though, I’m glad I have a reason to force myself to take or have photos taken of myself. As awkward as I may find it sometimes.

When I was a baby and throughout my childhood my parents took soo many photographs of myself and my siblings. Hundreds and hundreds of photographs and hours upon hours of video footage. I’m so grateful that they did, because, I don’t know about you, but I love watching my four year old self on video and looking at photographs when I was a child. I find it fascinating, because, you’re watching another person… but you know, that small person, is technically you. I was a completely different person 15 years ago and I enjoy watching how I’ve transformed and looking at the person I used to be.

I’m sure I’ll be a completely different person again in twenty years and I want to have evidence of who I am now. I want to be able to look back and see how I have transformed. I’m not sure why, but I find it very intriguing.

I don’t really like the way I styled this outfit, but I decided to post it anyway. I do think it has potential so I’m going to wear it again, maybe in a few weeks, and try to make it look better. Nothing wrong with some trial and error. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has these questionable outfit days.

These are the little prizes I won from playing arcade games earlier on in the week.

Seeing as I was typing about this transformation of people that I find interesting. I decided to share some (actually quite a few) photos from the past. Some are really old, some… not so old.

The photo on the bottom is the day my sister was born, my brother and I were there to visit.

The photo on the left is my first day of primary school and my brother’s first day of kinder.

Taken in 2009, during the first year of Uni.

Photos from the first semester of second year at Uni, 2010. The photograph of me wearing the pink wig was taken by my friend for one of the projects we had to complete. My boyfriend thinks I look like a political dictator in this photo for some reason… what the shit? I don’t see it, I think I look like a puffy muffin. 

At summer camp in upstate New York, August, 2010.

NYC!! Ah, good times.. July, 2010.

Eaton Centre, Toronto, Canada.

Trying on an awesome hat in Toronto. I didn’t buy it, I don’t think it was big enough for my huge head haha. Blowing bubble gum in Niagara Falls. Last photo is one of my first days in my dorm at SUNY, Buffalo. September 2010.

Class days at SUNY, Buffalo… probably October, 2010.

Halloween, 2010.

My last day at SUNY, Buffalo, December 2010.

Photos from last year (2011)

Ah, I miss my pink fringe.

February 11th, 2012

SO WHAT IF I DON’T WANT TO PROCREATE?

When I was younger, and until quite recently, I was against the idea of having children. Not in general, just for myself. I didn’t imagine myself as a mother in the future and I didn’t really think that I’d ever want to have a baby. Being in love… (yes, we’re all allowed to change our minds, as often as we like) has changed that completely. Not that I’ve completely changed my mind. If I do have children one day, I’m fairly certain that I only want to have one… funny, I’ve been told this is selfish.

I was thinking about my old thoughts yesterday and remembered a few things during the time I had my previous beliefs. I can’t even count how many times people were shocked to find out that I didn’t want to be a mother one day. I’m relatively freaked out, at how much people, in general, just expect everyone to have babies at some point in their life. When I was younger and I was asked why I didn’t want to have children, I once responded explaining that I didn’t wish to spend so much time and effort on another person, I didn’t want to dedicate an entire lifetime of being heavily depended on. Most of the time the person listening would be utterly stunned and appalled, most of the time, I’d be deemed selfish in response.

I wasn’t sure how not choosing to have a baby was selfish in any way, for whatever reason. I didn’t understand why I even needed a reason for not wanting to bear children. I was confused, in fact, I still am. Why is the decision not to become a parent one day, so odd to people?

Presently, the planet has a great deal of humans living on it, to the point that we’re sucking out its natural, err, juices (oil) for resources, and that can’t exactly be a good thing. What happens to a fruit if you manage to suck out all the liquid?

People are living much longer. Medical technology is constantly evolving and progressing, so it’s not like an urgent need to procreate the human species like crazy exists. I also find it disturbing when people (like my mother) frown upon those who adopt, despite having the ability to reproduce. There are countless, innocent, children… dying, in various parts of the world. These children already exist, through no fault of their own. In a way, doesn’t it make sense to save these poor children before deciding to have more? I personally admire people who choose to adopt children who are basically in need of rescuing.

I also find it quite rude that upon hearing an individual’s very personal choice, another person may decide that it’s completely ok to begin telling them why they’re sooo, very wrong. Why the hell is it such a big deal that we all get married and pop out babies anyway?

I remember I was watching a show on T.V once, and someone on the panel was discussing how giving birth is the most beautiful miracle that exists blah blah blah. You know, the usual corny shit you hear about having children. Another woman on the panel (she is a mother) told the audience that, this belief, is complete bullshit. Her reason? People give birth every second, of every single day. There are more than seven billion of us on this struggling planet. Giving birth isn’t exactly that amazing.

I realise that as humans we have evolved and developed consciousness and the ability to have profound thoughts, complex relationships etc. So, having a baby is, of course, quite significant for each individual who decides to do so. But, in the larger scheme, it’s really not that incredible. As a species, we are pretty much programmed to procreate and keep our species going, for as long as possible, that’s what living organisms do… well, most of them.

This is why I’m slightly confused at why some people think deciding not to have children is such a huge deal. I think it’s sad when individuals, who have chosen not to go down that path, feel pressured from their parents and other people they know to have children anyway. As I stated before, in comparison to the ‘big picture’, reproducing is not a huge deal, but in terms of our little bubbles. It’s a major decision for each of us, and whether a certain person wants to, or doesn’t want to become a parent should only be for him or her to decide.

Sorry about my random rants/posts. I have a lot of thoughts piling up in my head all the time and I’m glad that I finally have an outlet for them, where they won’t get stored and take up space on my computer.

I decided to wear this light pink lace top again, the outfit I wore with the shiny hot pink dress made it look puh-retty lame. I tried to make it look better. I think it worked. =/

January 31st, 2012

WE’RE LIKE CRYSTAL… WE BREAK EASY

Any other New Order fans? Ah, I really like Crystal (not the drug), good song. A bunch (one guy and two girls) of lame teens with gross, cut off denim shorts laughed at my outfit today. ASSHOLES! Oh well, I guess they don’t know any better, trapped in their sad little box of tank tops and ripped shorts (puke). I probably shouldn’t hate on their style… wait, WHAT style?! HA, HA… man, I’m evil. What can I say? Humanity brings it out in me.

This slow as a snail internet is boring the hell out of me and my boyfriend forced me to eat so much today that I literally thought I was going to throw up. In fact, I still do… kind of.

WHAT SORT OF FUCKED UP FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS ARE THESE?! Here I am, complaining about internet and too much food, when on the other side of the planet, there are children dying of starvation, who have never even heard of the internet. Ah, this planet is so screwed. I wouldn’t be surprised if the world did end this year.

Don’t tell anybody I said this but I kind of want it (the world) to end this year. I mean, think about it, we’re all going to eventually die one day. Sorry for the gloomy tone, but I’m sure you’ve all heard the same shit before, courtesy of those life insurance advertisements. Seeing as death is chasing us all anyway, may as well be there when the god damn world ends! Imagine if an afterlife or heaven or something actually exists. Imagine chilling in this afterlife and talking to people who were alive hundreds of years ago….

“How did you guys go?”
“Plague bro”
“I broke my ankle in 1325″
“End of the WORLD BITCHEEZZ”

See what I mean? Point proven.

These photos were taken a few days ago, my boyfriend picked up a guitar he purchased via e-bay. A few trade workers decided to stare at me for a few moments while we were taking photos. It was bizarre.

January 27th, 2012

SO YOU THINK YOU’RE SPECIAL?

Think that you’re soooo important? Pretend that you live in a pretty world with unicorns and pink magical fairy dust?! (it’s a reference to tumblr girlz that you may or may not understand) Well, GUESS WHAT?

You aint special, because one day, you’re going to DIE just like EVERYTHING else on this planet. Err, ok, that isn’t really the reason. Avoid the thought of death, think happy thoughts! NOBODY PANIC, NOBODY PANIC

Here we have, earth and a representation of a person, aka, me. Let’s pretend, that the earth has a lovely pink tinge. See how small we are? DO YOU SEE IT? Well, you have no idea my friends.

Yeah, Jupiter could crush us into a few measly specks of dust. Better not mess with it.

Ahaha, does anyone else feel just as insignificant as I do when they picture these things?

It gets even more unbelievable…

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKING BIG THAT STAR IS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WHOLE PLANET WE LIVE ON IS LIKE A PUNY MICROSCOPIC GERM COMPARED TO THAT THING. We pretty much don’t even exist. We are like, invisible fragments, dwelling on a puny rock, freaking out about shoes and Twilight (LAME) and shit.

I feel like a teeny weeny cookie crumb. Yum, cookies. Sorry for this random post, I have been feeling this… anxiety provoking, impending sense of doom recently that I’m struggling to shake off. It’s kind of unsettling, so I’m trying to distract myself.

January 16th, 2012

A LITTLE BIT STRANGE

Before I get to the subject of today’s discussion, I’d once again, like to thank the kind people who left comments in the previous post. How nice you all are, so nice, that I’m beginning to question if you actually exist… hmm.

I was thinking about models today and how the whole fashion world is kind of screwed up. Ha, what am I on about? Kind of? The fashion world is probably really screwed up. In fact, the world in general is one big fucked up mess. Humans are corrupted and impure as hell, so, this comes as no surprise.

Anyway…

How shall I even start this? Models. Some of them get paid millions simply because they struck the genetic jackpot and happen to have features which are popular amongst designers. Now, I realise I can’t expect models to be selected because of their personality, or intelligence or some sort of skill they may have. I mean, they are working in the fashion business, and fashion after all, is all about presenting a certain look. The whole industry is basically about visuals, what we can see. Not what we think, or how we feel, I guess.

That’s fair enough, designers select girls they believe enhance or compliment their designs. What I find kind of bizarre, is people admiring models and looking up to them and discussing how AMAAAAAZING they are. I doubt most of these girls personally know the models they admire, so, they are admiring them (most of the time) wholly based on their looks.

Ugh. We all need to remember that looks fade, quite rapidly, compared to the average time that we live for.

I’m not trying to say that I think models literally do nothing, I’m sure they’re very hard working at what they do, I just think the importance of their profession is over hyped. Not that I think what I want to do for a career is any better. I once read a quote in a book about graphic design stating, “We’re graphic designers, at the end of the day, we’re not exactly changing the world” which I completely agree with. I can’t stand the creative types, (such as designers) who go around with their head held so high, acting like they are divine beings, looking down upon other non-creative, mere mortals.

Although I absolutely love style and fashion. I’ve never been amazed by a model or looked up to one. I would rather look up to someone for reasons other than something they were lucky enough to be born with.

I just feel like, as a society we are constantly getting more and more shallow. Think back to high school, why are the popular people always conventionally attractive? I was called a nerd in high school every single day and constantly put down because… I was smarter than anybody else in my class. What kind of ridiculous social hierarchy was that anyway? Attractiveness at the top and intelligence at the bottom? I’m sorry but being ‘good looking’ isn’t going to save somebody’s life one day, those people that the popular people spend years teasing might go on to become doctors later.

I feel like these things are heavily influenced by the media and fashion. Actors, singers, models, most of them are ‘good looking’. It’s like we (especially young people) are constantly looking up to people and using them as inspiration merely based on their looks. From a young age, we’re almost subconsciously taught and conditioned towards a very particular standard of what constitutes attractiveness and what doesn’t. In a way, we are taught that good looks equate to a good person and anybody who doesn’t fit into that standard should be ignored.

I know that, as humans we are very visual beings, I definitely am. I’m obsessed with style and I just finished a degree in graphic design, so I understand that the way things look definitely influence the way we think and feel. I select items that suit my tastes, I’d never buy something that I’m not completely happy with. I never use the same way of thinking when it comes to people though. There are some fashion conscious people who you see, always surrounded by equally stylish people. As much as I love fashion, I never judge an individual’s clothing choice or the way they may look when I’m speaking to them. Most of my friends (as many little as I may have) don’t dress up to the extent that I do.

It seems to me, like we are fed specific images daily teaching us what beauty looks like, but beauty in people shouldn’t only be about looks. Looks are so subjective anyway, it (beauty) should be about more than physical looks, it should be about who that person actually is. After all, consciousness is a human gift and that in itself is far more intriguing and beautiful than what we happen to look like.

I feel like we are beginning to look at people the way we look at objects and I find it slightly sad.

I’m going to end this with a question. Why are supermodels, famous singers and actors paid more than scientists and doctors researching into potentially terminal diseases and trying to find cures? Is it just me, or are our priorities a little bizarre?

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