I’M CURRENTLY PREPARING TO POST AGAIN. EDITING THE SITE LIVE, SO, IF THINGS LOOK FUNNY FOR A FEW DAYS, THAT’S WHY.
This is a message, to let you all know that DARK VICE will be having a hiatus indefinitely. I love blogging, I’ve been doing it since I was 13 years old, blogging and the internet and teaching myself web design and blah blah blah, is what got me into graphic design in the first place. But right now, it’s also in the way of me actually pursuing graphic design as a serious career. I’ve been blogging on Dark Vice for over a year now and it’s been great, but it’s also heavily distracted me from doing something a lot more important. Actually focusing on getting a design job. I’ve been out of University for an entire year now, and I’m still just a casual in retail. An old casual who is probably going to lose her job to people who are a lot younger and can therefore be paid a lot less. If I don’t stop and focus seriously on getting a design job, I feel like I might have a mental breakdown. It’s time to get real. Most people who were in my course have design jobs or internships now. All I have is a low paying, dead end job… and a blog, that’s it. I thought sticking with the blog might get me a few design work opportunities, and editing images for my posts is good for my creativity. But let’s face it, it’s not enough, it’s no where near enough and this blog is obviously not going to really help me get a job anytime soon.
I didn’t start Dark Vice to get a job through it, but I’m a motivated person. If I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it properly, which is why I put so much work into the images on this blog, why I think so hard about the topics I write, why I don’t just type about how trendy the 90s are right now, and I love this blog but I can’t survive through its existence. I need to shift my motivation to something that will actually help me achieve my goals in life. Like moving out of home, moving to another country, travelling, starting a clothing label with my prints. Money isn’t everything, but I need to make some of it to have a life.
I’ll be back, soon, I hope. It might take a few weeks, a month maybe, much more than a month, and I’d be procrastinating. I’m a speedy worker when I set myself deadlines, so I’ll be back soon and this time, I will actually have something proper to showcase to the world.
Thank you to my small group of followers who have left such kind and thoughtful comments. Thank you for the support during some of the darkest moments of my life last year. AAH, I’m getting teary just typing this. I’ve felt like a loser for the majority of my life, but you guys make me feel like… maybe, just maybe, I do belong somewhere.
Enjoy the holiday season
P.S I’ll still update the FACEBOOK page occassionally, I mean, as if I’m not going to share my Black Friday purchases! You can always contact me through my Tumblr ask box, or my e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org and I’m obviously always free for design work. ^_~
Alright, I’ve become pretty shit at blogging in the last eight weeks, and I’m sorry. No, I’m not apologising to you, or you, or anyone else, but myself. I’m apologising to myself for allowing yours truly to become distracted to the point of not having sufficient time to maintain my beloved blog properly. Well Sophie, as long as you get your act together, I am willing to accept your apology.
Hmm. No, I’m not strange at all
An image of me, obviously, making an expression that I use to convey sadness, because my lovely Lime Crime lipstick broke ah well, at least it’s still usable. It’s a sad day when one of your favourite cosmetic items is damaged.
Ok, so, during the last week, I have thought about quite a few different topics. I guess they’re all somehow related to one another. If I sat here typing about them all, the word count of this post would most likely easily exceed 5000, so I’ll discuss them one day at a time.
D A R I A
I’m referring to the (coolest cartoon EVER) television show. I have officially decided that if I ever happen to give birth to a girl in the future, her middle name shall be Daria, after, arguably, the best character ever. I watched Daria when it originally aired, I enjoyed it, but in an extremely shallow or I should say… in a rather innocent sense, in a, “hey, look, cartoons! colourful pictures” way. I was 6 – 11 years old. Man oh man, do I wish I was a few years older. Daria would have been the perfect show for me to get into at the beginning of high school, it would have helped a lot. As I got older, I think it started when I was 15, people began to compare me to Daria. One of the first times was when I was working at Subway, I was 16 at the time, an older 19 year old who referred to me as a dero kid (weird.. I’m not a fucking dero at all -_-) once turned to me and said, “you know, you’re like freaking Daria!” and I don’t think she meant the comment to flatter me. My only memories of the show were those from my childhood, so one of the main aspects of the show I could remember, was that Daria was quite monotone and cynical. I am very monotone most of the time, especially when I am bored, which is often (bored with life in general) and I was unbelievably cynical in my early teens. I literally thought that everything and everyone was lame.
I bought the entire series about a week ago, seeing as I have been compared to her so many times, I decided to watch the show again and decide for myself if I really was like this Daria character. Being monotone has been a problem for me for a looong time, (well not me, it seems to be a problem for other annoying people) but watching Daria made me feel better about that I seriously love Daria, I love that show, that character gives me a reason to not hate myself. Daria doesn’t seem to be interested in drinking, smoking, piercings, drugs, tattoos or socialising. She doesn’t seem to enjoy close personal contact. I don’t like hugging, the only person I can hug without feeling any awkwardness is my boyfriend, I also struggle to tell people that I love them. I can’t throw that word around easily, I don’t even tell my parents that I love them. Apparently these qualities make me a cold, distant person. Anyway, back to Daria, she really is a ‘brain’, she actually is just genuinely interested in gaining knowledge. That was pretty much me in high school, I pretty much was a nerd, that is still me now. I would rather stay at home and read about a variety of things on the internet, than go out and socialise. I’ve always been apprehensive to tell others that I don’t really enjoy drinking alcohol very much, that I’ve never truly desired to ever have a tattoo, that I have no interest in smoking (actually, I hate it and I find it disgusting) it’s hard to tell people that you’re not cool (in the conventional sense) at all. It’s difficult, because for some reason, most people seem to aspire to a certain image of what cool is. That’s fine with me, but it sucks that the way I am isn’t very fine with others, or, rather, not cool enough for them. Yeah, I definitely would not be cool enough for the fashion club.
You might think I’m over exaggerating. Why, surely people wouldn’t actually judge someone on such a trivial basis? But oh my friends, they most certainly do. In the past, I have been on ‘friend’ terms with people. Once some of them discovered that I didn’t (still don’t) have an elaborate social network, that I’m not into drinking or smoking or being ‘cool’, they decided to… basically ditch me. Apparently not being intrigued by these things makes one boring. This has happened with new friends and people I had been close to for a long time. It sucks dude, despite the fact that I have little interest in the activities that most people my age participate in frequently, I don’t judge those I meet based on such preferences. I’m not interested in smoking, or doing drugs, or drinking every weekend, but I wouldn’t decide to distance myself from someone I previously liked because they didn’t live up to my own personal standards. Hell, my boyfriend drinks a lot more than I do, but I still love him Hmm, I don’t know what I’m getting at here to be honest. I guess, long story short. Daria is awesome (IMO) and I wish people actually thought that some of the real life Darias were cool too, well I don’t know, I can live with the thought that I’m not cool, but it would be nice to not be perceived as the token weirdo for a change. That would make life a lot easier sometimes. Maybe people would stop telling me to freaking smile, maybe people would stop asking me why I look ‘so sad’ so often.
For any Daria fans out there, you know the episode when that Football legend dude accidentally dies? everyone goes to Daria for advice, because they just assume she constantly thinks about morbid, depressing things all the time. During a conversation with Jane, Daria becomes frustrated.
“Okay, but you know what I’ve been hearing? “You know how I feel, Daria. You’re gloomy. I knew I can talk to you, Daria. You’re always miserable.” Tragedy hits the school and everyone thinks of me. A popular guy died, and now I’m popular because I’m the misery chick. But I’m not miserable. I’m just not like them.“
That’s how I feel when people ask me why I look so sad etc etc. I’m not sad all the time, I’m not depressed (I never have been depressed, anxiety, yes, I have dealt with, but not depression) and I’m not constantly angry, being realistic about the world doesn’t mean you’re constantly unhappy. It means you can accept that a lot of chaos and negativity exists on this planet. What is the point of being oblivious to all of that? Ignorance may be bliss, but I don’t want bliss, I want the truth. I’m not like a lot of people, smiling doesn’t come as easily to me, it doesn’t mean I think about death all the time, or something like that. I suppose cartoons are so different to the real world though, for instance, Daria behaves in her usual way while she works at her first job. If I ever behaved in my true natural element in the work force, well, let’s just say, I would NEVER be employed. Also, despite being incredibly cynical and gloomy and what have you, as I’ve aged (because I’m such a wise old lady now) I have realised that things aren’t that terrible. You just have to make an effort to see the bigger picture, as difficult as that may be sometimes. Sure, for me, my life has been kind of shit (really shit) at times, but hey, my situation could have been far, far worse. The fact that I can even sit here and think about what to type makes me incredibly lucky. Is it sad that I just thought of all of this because of a cartoon show? Maybe? Oh well.
La la la la la.
I know it was eleven years ago today, (I can’t believe it’s been over a decade actually, holy shit) but unless I unfortunately have Alzheimer’s when I’m older, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that image of a plane being used as a weapon, flying into a building, in New York City. I still remember sitting there, in front of the T.V at 7.30 in the morning thinking to myself, “WHAT is going on?!” I was only 10 at the time, yet I felt shocked, afraid and so incredibly sad for all those innocent people involved. Nine years later, I found myself in NYC, finally. My friend and I decided to visit Ground Zero and go to the memorial museum that was set up. Despite the fact that I don’t know anyone who was personally involved in the tragedy, reading transcripts of telephone calls that were made, about how families were effected. It was too much for me. I was fighting back tears, and I’m pretty sure my friend was too. The entire experience (visiting that museum) was so sad. That day started a war, which in turn has destroyed countless more lives.
I feel like the people on September 11th died so unnecessarily. A few nights ago, the movie, United 93, was on Television. While watching it, I was instantly overcome with rage. I got so angry, soo angry, that all those people died, because a few people decided that they would sacrifice themselves and hundreds of other innocent lives for some stupid, totally pointless cause. People who can actually be manipulated to become suicide bombers are so mentally weak, at least I think so.
I don’t want this post to only be about September 11th, 2001. Because the reality is, that people die every single day, for completely pointless and preventable things. There are so many people, and I’m talking generally now, who are so freaking willing to do evil things. Since September 11th, thousands upon thousands of people have died. Of course, dying is a part of life. You start to slowly decay, from the moment you begin to live. But dying, so unnecessarily… is just plain depressing. There are people who die, every single day, because of human greed, corruption and all things evil. Those people aren’t just statistics, they’re not just numbers, they’re humans. Like you and me, they have feelings, consciousness, hopes, desires, aspirations, fears, they have a network of people who love them, and they’re prematurely taken away, for such pathetic reasons. Through mass murders, terrorist attacks, war, random drunken bashings, a fucked up, massive, fast food industry (hello hypertension, atherosclerosis etc.) Innocent people lose their lives to stupidity, every single day.
So for me, September 11th not only reminds me of the American tragedy, but of the tragedies that our entire species goes through every single day. It reminds me that despite all my problems and issues and blah blah blah. I’m still, pretty fucking lucky. There are millions of people, so much worse off, and it’s so unfair. I almost feel guilty for even having a blog or using the internet at this point. Or for even posting the following outfit images.
I truly dislike my own appearance most of the time. You know what though? There are so many people who don’t even have the time to think, “Ew, I’m so ugly” There are people on this planet, who don’t even own a damn mirror, so whatever. Be thankful for what you all have today, because you all have a lot more than most people, and you never know when everything you take for granted could be stolen from you.
Not sick anymore (yay!) but my entire family is, and we live in a small house. Trying to avoid illness for the fourth time this year is not going to be easy. Fuck my first world life. I’m not in the mood to type much right now, so uh yeah. Here are images for you to look at while seeking time to waste or whatever.
My sister is an apprentice hairdresser and she used her new skills to do this to my hair a few weeks ago. I hated it. I think I would like a pink leopard print jacket/coat thing, that would be splendid, would it not?
I was at Coles (supermarket) earlier, buying a few things for my sick dad. I noticed quite a few party ready people around. I haven’t been out on a weekend for such a long time. In your opinion, is that lame? Not that I really care to be honest, I’m just curious. Hmm not caring… we should all care less. Especially about what other people think, because caring about what other people think is pointless. Because life is pointless, and trends, and blogs and comments and everything… pretty much. Shoes, jobs, school, money etc. is just there to distract you until you die. See this post. Even Albert Einstein will literally mean nothing when the human race eventually and inevitably ceases to exist. Fuck everything I typed, I hate telling people what they should do, but why does it matter that I hate it? My negative emotions mean jack shit as well. I’m just thinking about morality and the fact that morality is a human creation and is also pointless but kind of inevitable due to the fact that we have consciousness and now my brain is figuratively melting. L8ERZ.
One day, when I’m about to die, I would like to end my life by flying into a black hole, it’s either that or being cryogenically frozen so I can see the future.