It seems, that during the past few days, I have become a prisoner of my own mind. Every evening, as the time to rest slowly approaches, I begin to feel uneasy. I’m not sure what has provoked this sudden state of anxiety during the last ten days. I’ve been reading about anxiety online, and apparently it comes and goes for a lot of people. So, I try to take comfort in the fact that I’m not the only one who feels like they’re going insane occasionally. I’ve been prescribed anti-deppressants and anxiety medication about five times during the last twelve months but each time I’ve refused to take it. My hypochondria always stops me, as soon as the pharmacist gives me a leaflet with a list of side effects, I begin to dread them. Do I sound utterly irrational now? Most likely.

I don’t know if I need the medication. During these times I often feel vulnerable and isolated, I feel frightened when I’m alone. It’s not that I crave company in general. In fact, I’m fighting these feelings right now, even though both my siblings are present. I feel like I need to be with someone who I feel safe, secure and protected with. Unfortunately, the only person who seems to tick all those boxes is my boyfriend. Probably because my upbringing was a mess, therefore, I find it difficult to feel ‘at ease’ with my family. As for my boyfriend being the only option, I say unfortunately, because I can’t be with him anytime I want to be. Even though I’m 21, my dad doesn’t allow him to be with me (in my house) late at night, (10.30pm onwards) which is frustrating, because this is when I feel I need him most. Especially at times when I feel more susceptible to panic. I suppose these are the consequences of having an old fashioned parent. If anyone is wondering, I’m not making any efforts to move out, because I plan to permanently relocate to Europe in a year or two… hopefully.

I’m feeling tired enough at the moment. Yet the thought of laying in my bed, surrounded by darkness and silence, makes me nervous. Being left with my own thoughts isn’t easy for me, I find it difficult not to think of horrible scenarios and these scenarios trouble me deeply when I’m feeling vulnerable. Ah! What a vicious cycle. Maybe I should go to the doctor and just get the damn pills. Feeling like you’re a hostage, trapped in your own mind is not nice. I feel like a weakling, shouldn’t I be stronger than this? My dad tells me to ‘snap out of it’ all the time, it makes me feel pathetic. Like there’s something severely wrong with me because I can’t…. just, snap out of ‘it’. Whatever it… is.

I felt kind of empty without a belt, but it was so warm and humid today… I didn’t feel like wearing much.

I found this adorable bunny on Tumblr. It makes me want one. I’ve never had a pet.

I spent hours listing loads of stuff on e-bay tonight. Everything is starting at 99 cents, yep, even the Lita Spikes I listed. I would only go check it out if you reside in Australia though. I can ship Internationally, however, it’s pretty damn expensive, and I doubt you would want to pay that much, so I wouldn’t bother. Sorry to anybody that might annoy. You can check out my listings here.

I’m going to try and sleep now.