The title is quite hypocritical, considering I came to the conclusion that I have no belief in a soul during a year 11 Philosophy assignment. But… I guess, who knows what I TRULY *believe* anymore? How can I objectively believe anything? There are far too many uncertaintities to have any concrete beliefs about the nature of things. Especially when one is as clueless as I am.
There I go on a tangent again. ANYWAY.
MUSIC, holy shit!! Music is UH-MAY-ZING. Like, really. Yeah, that’s right, this is going to be one of those posts.
As a digital ‘creative’, (I feel so snobby referring to myself as an artist) I have an unsurprising appreciation for a very wide medium of arts. In fact, I’m pretty sure I enjoy every type of art there is. We humans are quite aesthetic creatures, after all, so it’s no surprise that we like to concern ourselves with such things. However, I have this personal, very non objective belief, that the most powerful medium of art, by far, is music.
These beautiful compositions of sound that exist have so much influence over us. Or, at the very least, they have an enormous amount of influence on me. Music can make me feel better when I’m in a negative state of mind, or, if I’m in the mood for self pity – it can sure as hell assist with that too. Music can make otherwise highly, mundane tasks of life appear bright.
Cleaning your room? Listen to some beats that make you feel inclined to move. Need motivation to step up your exercise? Music with high BPM has been proven to assist in higher levels of physical endurance. Wandering alone? Music becomes like the soundtrack to the motion feature where YOU, my friend, are the lonely, lonely, protagonist.
Music can control time and take us back various aspects of our lives. It has the ability to highlight memories and conjure so much nostalgia. Some tracks remind me of certain times, temperatures, smells, feelings and emotions. Music can make us feel like we’re finally experiencing the emotions we were previously attempting to feel. Music, sometimes, without words, can explain our thoughts and feelings to us better than we can.
Whatever mental state you happen to be in – it’s quite likely there is music out there that suits your mood. Music can speed up time when you want life to be faster and slow down moments you wish you could freeze. Music will always be there to soothe you when no one else can or will.
He says he’s, “just another dude”, but I know that’s not true.
If every other dude was like him, the entire species would be unrecognisable.
The average dude doesn’t capture the majority of my thoughts and turn my brain into a screaming, visual production machine.
The sight of awkward exchanges strikes my mind down.
In contrast to what I’m infused with, their rehearsed parade is only child’s play.
If it could occur, drama wouldn’t be necessary, the authenticity would be as radiant as a pair of binary stars.
While I was ignoring this part of my self, Amber sent me these questions to answer, so here it is.
1. What made you want to start blogging?
I started teaching myself to code when I was 13 and as I got better I began noticing other blogs. Being a traumatised teen with many bottled up emotions to express, I decided to begin typing my scattered thoughts and publish them to the internet. As you do…
2. What is your biggest dream?
To perhaps one day encounter and experience ‘true love’.
3. If money were no object, what would you do all day?
Help other people who are less fortunate.
4. What is your favourite country or place to visit and why?
I would like to visit everywhere equally, there is something new I could learn in every place.
5. Oops, you’re stranded on an island (with plenty of water & food). What three things would you want with you?
A satellite phone, mac book pro with internet connection.
6. Name a movie and/or book that you recently watched/read and can highly recommend.
The Never Ending Days of Being Dead – Marcus Chown – Book
7. What do you collect?
8. What do you do to get “zen”?
Go outside and walk to a physically isolated area, lay down, listen to music extremely loudly, think of positive memories and smile to myself.
9. What is the wisest thing someone ever told you?
That existence is a joke.
10. What song do you like to sing out loud?
So, so many. One of them is… Say Hello to the Angels by Interpol.
11. If you could learn something super fast (Matrix-style), what skill would you pick?
The ability to read minds.
1. I am an atheist.
2. I have two favourite ice cream flavours – vanilla and cookie dough.
3. I am the eldest of three children.
4. There are four super powers I wish I possessed – flight, invisibility, telekinesis and telepathy.
5. My favourite 90s boy band was 5ive.
6. I was severely bullied when I was in grade 6.
7. In year 7, I was the shortest person in my class.
8. I first read about how Mars could be theoretically engineered to sustain human life when I was 8 years of age and have been fascinated with the idea ever since.
9. When I was 9, I thought I was a witch and created a spell book.
10. I used to watch my all time favourite show, House, on channel 10 every single week for years.
11. I have had 11 crushes during my entire life and not one has ever returned the feelings ¯\_(‘.’)_/¯
It feels a little strange to be typing something, knowing that I will soon publish this on my long neglected blog.
It evens feels a little strange to think that I have a blog these days, they’ve kind of disappeared. They don’t exist in the ways that they used to. Blogging is something one can do professionally these days. Anyway…
My absence can be explained by an absence that I felt from myself.
During the last 15 months… maybe a little more, I slowly lost pieces of myself until I was just… a body. Existing but feeling completely lost – empty, isolated and very, very afraid of being alive.
I have a habit of rambling and rambling and being inappropriate in the ways that I over share so I’m going to attempt to restrict myself this time.
Losing myself lead to many changes inside my own head, where I often dwell for far too long. I no longer have any fear of my own mortality, and I have truly let go of any anxieties that I ever had about the perception of myself that other people hold.
It’s difficult to explain how I felt because in many ways I was not feeling. It was as if any emotion had been drained out of me, by some hidden force and I couldn’t express anything. I had become a zombie-like creature; no motivation, no drive, no ambition, no desires, no joy, no sadness just, a void, forever.
With such lack of feeling comes lack of will to live, to know anyone, to care about anyone or anything. It was a sense of odd calm but not in a peaceful, content way. It was a horrid sense of calm. Sometimes, when the emotional side of my brain broke through the calm, the only thing it was capable of feeling was self hatred.
In a revolting, toxic kind of way, this subtle, constant, negative, radiating energy wasn’t always bad. At times, it felt liberating. It didn’t matter if anyone ever conjured a negative thought of me because I could beat them. No matter how negative anyone thought I was, I knew that they couldn’t possibly think of low as me as I thought of myself. I’m not sure how that’s really liberating, but at the time, it felt like it was.
I was afraid of nothing except for interactions with other humans, especially those unknown to me. Attempts to connect with anyone, in any way, when you are struggling to connect with yourself, is terrifying. I ignored so many people and blocked out others. I was locked deep inside this empty vessel, my personality trapped somewhere deep in a dark place of my mind.
My relationship with myself became so foreign that I began to subconsciously sabotage myself, carefully disguised as a plan to be better. I destroyed myself and lacked energy. I was freezing all the time, even inside, next to intense artificial warmth, my fingers were blue. I would wake up in the morning and wish I could cry because the intensity of the cold I felt was physically painful and crushing. I felt hopeless, paranoid, nervous, hideous but most of all, I felt like a failure – in a variety of ways, the list so long, I can’t even begin to count it.
I became sick of existing as a shattered mess and after a long time of trying to reconnect with who I once was, I finally decided to seek external assistance.
I have become less self critical and my relationship with time has become more flexible. I no longer have a need to plan so obsessively for the future. The future is so uncertain now anyway, so I feel it is pointless to plan for and too often leads to immense disappointment.
I feel again and I want again. For now, to me, that is all that matters. Peace.