Currently, I don’t feel so great. Today has not been a very good day. I applied for jobs… I ate a burger and felt like crap afterwards, I guess I really have to stay away from highly processed, high fat foods, they really don’t seem to be agreeing with me these days. My stomach feels so gross right now and all this week my skin has looked like complete shit. Just my luck too, of course, I ran out of foundation this week.
This thyroid issue is messing with me in so many different ways. I can feel my self shaking for some reason sometimes… which reminds me, I really have to buy atenolol, my sleeping pattern has become HORRIBLE. I can’t function without sufficient sleep! So this is just making everything worse. During the past week I have once stayed up until past 5am and woken up at 9am, slept at about… 2-3am (struggled to fall asleep) and got up at 8am… sigh, and last night I went to sleep again at about 2-3am and got up at 7.30am. AARGH, I was so exhausted during the day I passed out and slept for almost two hours, which means I will most likely struggle to sleep tonight too. Oh, how I miss sleeping for ten hours + 
I also haven’t controlled the anxiety. I thought it would go away after my prolonged hypochondriac episode but obviously not. This shit is on a whole other level, it seems to hit me out of no where, for no particular reason. Take tonight for instance, I was sitting there, watching t.v, I didn’t exactly feel amazing, but I felt ok. Then out of no where, I start feeling anxious, my mind starts creating all these different horrible, worst case possible scenarios about my future and I begin to cry, yet again.
I’m so sick of this shit, I also started to think about and consider that I could actually have two auto immune diseases, I think that thought freaked me out the most. I mean, I’ve dealt with a lot of bullshit up until now but to deal with two diseases at the same time. AAH, PLEASE NO. I really hope I don’t have Grave’s disease and Crohn’s because that would freaking suck I mean, I want to do honours next year! I want to travel, the thought of me just being sick all the time in the future scares the hell out of me.
If you pray or anything, perhaps keep me in your prayers? haha. I’ve never talked about this before on this blog, but yes, I do pray. I was raised as an Orthodox Christian, and while I rarely discuss religion with people, I’ve never tried to convert anyone… I get kind of annoyed when Atheists try to convert me. I’m not saying I believe Christianity exactly as it is told, I don’t even know that much about it, apart from what my mum told me while I was growing up. I’d like to believe there is something else out there though and for some reason one day, I just started praying. I don’t know to who or what exactly, but I did.
I think it all began when I was like 12 or 13, no.. 12. 2003, I fractured my ankle and was in the emergency room at a hospital waiting to be called in. There was another girl in high school, older than me though, probably like 15 – 17 at the time. She looked kind of blank and she got called in for an x-ray and her mum was talking about how she had just randomly gone blind that day, had complained of persistent headaches previously and a few other alarming symptoms. I was thinking about the number of serious conditions that girl could have and how bad I felt for her, considering her age.
That night before I went to sleep I thought about that girl and I don’t exactly know why, but I prayed for her, I prayed that she didn’t have a life threatening disease, that she would be ok and grow up and live her life happily. I prayed for that random girl for about 5 years straight. After that, as I would hear about people struggling, or having extremely difficult/bad circumstances in their life, I’d add them to my prayers. At one point, praying became kind of exhausting… as you could imagine, my list became very long.
I don’t know if anything I did helped those people at all but, if it did, well, that would be kind of awesome. Perhaps I’ll pray for myself tonight, my boyfriend will laugh at me and think it’s stupid, but it’s kind of like a safety blanket for me, I feel like someone is watching over me or something. Maybe it’s because I never really felt protected in my life, and I’ve never really had many friends or anything. I’ve spent at least like 5 – 6 years of school being a complete loner and struggling with my own family situation.
When I was 18 and I was in hospital I prayed every single night I was there of course, one of those days, one of the orthodox priests visited me. He said I’d be ok, I remember thinking “how do you KNOW?!” I ended up being ok. Maybe he didn’t actually know and it just turned out that way or maybe he did. Who knows? Anyway, I hope I end up being ok again.
The first outfit was originally worn with plain, black socks but I got these socks today and really wanted to try them on, so there you have it. The second outfit was from earlier this week. Sorry, I won’t be listing where my clothes are from for a while because the whole blogging process is long enough as it is and I have a lot of other things to do. Plus, being in the mood I’m in a lot of the time these days, I just, can’t be bothered.
Oh! the first image is of me and my sister when I was 5 and she was 3, she is the one crying. Ha, I find it very amusing.
