I think I’ve had a huge fear/anxiety about medical issues since I was about 10 or 12 years old. Probably, 12. I don’t exactly know why, I think the fucked up way I grew up probably gave me a lot of stress and anxiety which has manifested itself in this way.

Remember years ago when SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) was discussed a lot in the news? I convinced myself that I had it. I’ve convinced myself of having various cancers to the point where I have an intense fear of death and begin to panic. When I was 17, I had a lump on one side of my ribs and was convinced that I had cancer. Turns out it was a lipoma, completely harmless I was told. Last year, I had another small bump at the top of my thigh, once again… I thought I had cancer. The doctor said it was nothing.

When I was 18 something serious actually happened though, one day I woke up after having slept for about 13 hours, I still felt completely exhausted for some reason and went back to sleep. I woke up about 4 hours later and realised that I had chest pain. It wasn’t overbearing, but it was there, when I would breathe deeper or lay down, it was worse. I told my dad but he didn’t seem that concerned. I wasn’t that concerned either, surprisingly… I thought it was a chest infection or something.

I went to sleep that night and the chest pain was still there, it felt like it was getting worse. I woke up at 3am and told my dad I was worried, he told me to drink water and go back to sleep… but laying down made it worse. I eventually went back to sleep and woke up again at 7am, my dad took me to hospital where I had the most tests I’d ever had at that point in my life.

Blood tests, chest x-ray, Urine test, ecg. Apparently my ecg had a few abnormalities, but nothing that serious, the doctor told me I could go home for a few hours and then come back and get my blood tests. I took a regular pain killer which did not help at all. The pain seemed to still be getting slightly worse. I went back and the doctor immediately did another ecg. Afterwards, he looked at me surprised and said “Your ECG has changed significantly since the last time” I asked him if it was bad, he said it wasn’t necessarily good. This is exactly what he said, “If you were over 30 I’d be positive that you were having a heart attack” Hmmmm, a heart attack. They aren’t words you want to really hear, at any age, but especially when you’re 18.

Before I knew it, I had an oxygen mask strapped to me, I was given morphine and taken via ambulance to another hospital. There the doctors decided that I had to have an angiogram, I remember one of the doctors telling me before I signed off on the procedure that there was a 1 in 1000 chance that I could have a stroke, once again, not something you really want to hear.

I had the procedure and was told I didn’t have a heart attack, which was a relief. After being in hospital for 4 full days with a lot of confusion, I was told I most likely had myocarditis. It is when a virus, it could be as simple as the virus that causes the common cold, attacks the heart and produces similar symptoms as myocardial infarction. Apparently it’s pretty rare and it was basically just bad luck. What was extremely frightening was the fact that the doctors at the hospital seemed so confused too. I was the youngest person in the whole cardiac ward, everyone else seemed to be 60+.

I’ve seen a cardiologist Professor three times since and he’s said that I have fully recovered but as you can imagine, this ordeal isn’t exactly good for someone like me. In April this year I had tonsillitis, my fever was so high that I decided to go the emergency room. They told me my heart was racing, so once again, I went through all these tests that reminded me of when I was younger. A few weeks later, I started to experience a shortness of breath, that wouldn’t go away. All from stress.

A few weeks ago, I found a few spots on my arms and convinced myself that I had another life threatening disease… everything seemed to be going ok, finally. Then yesterday and today, I’ve noticed 2 blood red small spots inside my mouth. I’ve had mouth ulcers through my whole life, but I’ve never seen these before. Of course I’m freaking out now and thinking about the worst case scenario. I hate the fact that I deal with this, back in my mind, I know I’m being irrational, but at the same time I can’t help it!!

Anyway…. now that my rant is mostly over. I wore one of my favourite dresses today. It’s from modcloth and I carefully watched it until it was reduced to $44 last year and purchased it immediately.

The fourth image is some cool street art I found in St. Kilda today. I’m going to the doctor in the morning tomorrow, wish me luck!

WEARING
Shoes – Jeffrey Campbell Tardy via Solestruck, Tights – Henry Holland via ASOS, Dress – ModCloth